South African poet and painter Breyten Breytenback tells of a Black man named Freedom who was the property of a one-legged slave owner in the days before the abolition of slavery. Whenever the owner bought a new pair of shoes, he gave the left one, which he couldn’t use, to Freedom. Eventually, wearing two left shoes deformed Freedom’s right foot, and he was permanently crippled by the “generosity” of his master. Don’t be fooled by people who attempt to further their own interests under the guise of helping you. Listen to advice from others, thank them for their interest, and make up your own mind about what is best. Follow their advice if it fits with your plan for your life, but don’t hesitate to discard it if it doesn’t. In all the world, there is only one individual who knows what is best for you, and that person is you.

Napoleon Hill liked to tell a story about his grandfather, a wagon builder in North Carolina. When the old man cleared the land for cultivation, he always left a few oak trees in the middle of the field at the mercy of the elements, unsheltered by other trees in the forest. It was from those trees that his grandfather made the wagon’s wheels. Because they were forced to struggle against the fury of nature, they grew strong enough to bear the heaviest load. Welcome difficult challenges, for the greatest opportunities will come from challenges that force you to expand your mind as you search for creative solutions. During life’s bleakest hours, take solace in the face that you are strengthening yourself through struggle so that in the future you will be prepared to take on even greater challenges. Like the old oak tree, you grow strong only when you are forced to struggle.

Your mind is unquestionably your most valuable possession. You may lose every material thing you own, but knowledge can never be taken from you. With it, you can earn a new fortune, build a new home, and buy anything you truly desire. No one else can control your thoughts; even the cruelest tyrant cannot force you to think about something you refuse to accept. When you make a deliberate decision to take control of your mind and feed it positive, constructive thoughts, you are on your way to taking control of your life. The thoughts you allow to dominate your mind will determine what you will get from life.

To the untrained eye, a geode looks pretty much like an ordinary rock. But a trained geologist knows that inside the geode there is a beautiful crystal lining. The story is the same for those who refuse to examine new possibilities because their minds are closed. Life’s greatest opportunities, like the geode, often come in ordinary packaging. Do not allow yourself to become such a creature of habit that you simply go through the motions and let life happen to you. Just taking a new route to work, putting together a jigsaw puzzle, reading a newspaper instead of watching television, or visiting a museum at lunchtime will stimulate your thought processes and may help you open your mind to new possibilities.

Experts in negotiation handle the process so smoothly that discussions hardly seem like negotiations at all. While the word negotiation itself conjures up visions of cigar-chomping adversaries pounding the table to emphasize their demands, the best results are achieved when all the parties involved are able to put themselves in the others’ shoes and arrive at an agreement that is beneficial to everyone involved. Whether you are negotiating a higher salary, a new job, or the acquisition of a company, your chances of success are far greater when you approach the situation positively and with a clear objective in mind. It also helps to understand the motives of others involved and to have in-depth knowledge of the subject under discussion. Finally, approach every topic with an open mind-don’t simply try to bully others into accepting your proposal or point of view.

Even the most popular people have their detractors. Because we are all different, with differing interests and personalities, it is simply impossible for anyone to be beloved by every individual who knows him or her. If your mission in life is to make everyone like you, great disappointment is in store. But if you are always kind and considerate in your dealings with others, they may not like you, but it will be impossible for them to dislike you. You can cement your relationships with others by making sure that you are a person of character, one who is predictably honest, straightforward, and ethical. When you follow such a code of conduct, you may not be sought out by others who do not share your value, but you will be respected by all who know you. And in the end, self-respect will mean far more to you than mere popularity.

Someone once said that no one can really motivate anyone else; all we can do is motivate ourselves and hope it catches on. You will probably never know how much you influence others with your behavior. When you always go the extra mile, you will influence those in your circle of friends and acquaintances, your family, your co-workers, and even your bosses to do more and better than they have done before. Your value to yourself and others is greatly enhanced by your ability to influence others to be happier, more productive people. There are no salary caps or career limits for those who lead others to great heights of success. Such people are simply too valuable.

It is a fact of life that most of us try and fail many times before we ultimately achieve the level of success that we desire. You can expect to travel the extra mile many times only to find fool’s gold at the end of your rainbow. But you will most certainly miss out on the great riches that await you if you quit trying. A superficial commitment to doing more than expected based only on what you expect to receive will not sustain you in the long term. Great achievement results from a commitment to do the right thing regardless of the consequences, and that commitment will ultimately lead you to the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow.

If you carefully study your own life and those of achievers whom you admire, it is an absolute certainty you will discover that your greatest opportunities often occurred during times of adversity. It is only when faced with the possibility of failure that we are willing to deal with radical change and take the risks that lead to great success. When you experience temporary failure and you know that it is temporary, you can capitalize on the opportunities adversity always brings.

Christ’s admonition to the faithful in Matthew 5:41: “And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain,” was in response to the Roman custom of allowing officers to force others to carry their load for a mile. The purpose of the biblical principle, similar to the idea of turning the other cheek, was to make good come from evil. You can add goodness to goodness by rendering beyond what you are asked to do. When you truly believe that the habit of going the extra mile is the only acceptable way to conduct yourself in all your dealings with others, when you are driven by a burning desire to serve your fellow man, you will be rewarded both financially and personally.

When you do something to or for another, whether your deeds are good or bad, people feel compelled to “retaliate” in kind. If you are a kind and decent person, you can expect to be treated well in return. If you use others for your own advantage without giving anything in return, you will soon find that they have little use for you. People like working for and with positive, considerate people. Start now to develop the habit of going the extra mile.

In today’s “everything is negotiable” society, we are bombarded with messages telling us that we get what we demand, not what we deserve. You may temporarily achieve success by demanding more than your due from others, but it will not long endure. “Squeaky wheels” may initially receive the most attention, but the wise wagon master eventually replaces them. It’s easy to create problems and dissension but very difficult to lead others in a spirit of cooperation and harmony. Which type of individual do you think is most valuable to the organization? The greatest rewards in life-both financial and personal-will always accrue to the peacemakers of the world.

Everybody loves a winner, it has been said, but nobody knows you when you’re down and out. One of the often unappreciated benefits of adversity is that it accelerates the process of identifying your true friends. Most of us have many acquaintances and associates, but we are indeed fortunate if we have a handful of real friends. You will very quickly identify yours when you ask them for help. The wise individual is the one who, when asked for assistance, recognizes that he may one day find himself in the same situation.

There are few things in life that are as bad as they seem at first. Dealing with adversity begins with analyzing and accepting your situation for what it is. When you realize that things are not nearly as bad as they might have been, you have taken the first step toward working your way through the problem. It is a truism that you will never be asked to carry a heavier load than you can bear, but it sometimes helps you better appreciate that fact if you volunteer some of your time to help those who are less fortunate than you are.

There are a few occasions during our brief time on earth when most of us experience great flashes of insight, great moments of truth that forever change the course of our lives. Most of those experiences result from spectacular failures, not from outstanding successes. It is from the failures that so chagrined and dismayed us that we learn the most lasting lessons. When you are the unwilling recipient of a great moment of truth, extract the useful lessons and then put the entire episode behind you. Learn from your failures, forget about them, and move on to better things.

As parents, we all want our sons and daughters to grow up to be well–adjusted, responsible adults who look back on their childhoods — and on us, as their moms and dads — with fondness. None of us want our kids to be teased at school for their generic–brand sneakers or to have to worry about our increasing credit card debt or how we’re going to make the monthly mortgage payment. But sometimes, in our quest to give our kids happy childhoods, we send the wrong messages about money — messages that can confuse our kids and harm the family’s financial health.

Here are some of the most common mistakes parents make, and how you can avoid them.

Big Mistake #1: Believing That Your Kids Must Have What Other Kids Have.

This is a pretty easy temptation to fall into. It probably goes back to our own childhoods. If we grew up having less than other kids, or feeling that we did, then we don’t want it to happen to our children. That’s a large part of why we worked so hard to succeed.

But the answer to it is easy, too. Is this a value we want our children to have? Do we want them to have that sense of entitlement — “I should have what he has” “I gotta keep up with the Joneses?” Of course we don’t. I’m not saying that your kids can’t have anything; I’m talking about balance.

The main problem with the syndrome of “keeping up the Joneses” there’s no cutoff point. Once you’re in that mind set, nothing is ever enough.

It’s not attractive. It’s not what we want for ourselves, and it’s certainly not what we want for our kids.

The solution: Stop and think. Why am I considering buying this for my kids? Will it help them do better in school? Will it add to their cultural enrichment? Will it help them develop skills that they need? Or will it jack up their snob–appeal quotient? There’s nothing wrong with having nice things. But when kids get things without realizing the amount of money they cost — and, therefore, the number of hours worked to earn them — there is a value disconnect that can start a cycle of wanting and getting more and more without ever really being satisfied.

Big Mistake #2: Shielding Your Kids from the Cost of Things.

One of the things that get parents into so much trouble is the idea that you have to shield your kids from the harsh realities of money. So many parents tell me, “We don’t want to take their childhood away.”

I’ve heard of similar problems from people who grew up in households that were relatively comfortable. “You just didn’t talk about money. You didn’t ask how much things cost. Polite people simply don’t discuss it.”

Anything that involves money, and exchange of value, can be used as a learning tool. For instance, if your kids are looking at the check at a restaurant, you can explain what the tax is and how it’s calculated. You can also explain how to figure a tip and why you leave one. Explain the economics of being a waiter or waitress, and how much a part of their necessary income is derived from tips.

If you haven’t explained yet about tipping to your teenagers, you need to. Shielding your children from the cost of things can keep them from getting a good start on their own.

Big Mistake #3: Using Credit Cards to Buy Stuff for Your Kids When You Know You Shouldn’t.

The biggest financial danger to older teenagers — college students especially — is the credit card. The teenagers to whom the credit card is the most serious danger are the ones who suffer from a value disconnect. They don’t connect things with the money it costs to buy them; they don’t connect money with the work hours it takes to earn it. When you spend money that you don’t really have in order to buy one thing that your teenager wants — or even something that your teenager needs — you may be thinking, like Scarlett O’Hara, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.” When Scarlett did that she was usually counting on herself to work, scheme, and improvise to come up with some way to get herself out of the jam she’d gotten herself into. It frequently (though not always) worked for her, but that’s Hollywood. In real life, the message you’re sending to your teenager is that you can buy things without worrying about paying for them, and this is just about the worst message you can send.

Big Mistake #4: Spending Money on Your Kids and Not Letting Your Spouse Know.

Most of us, for one reason or another, grow up being secretive about money, and that’s part of the story here. The other part relates to value disconnect. If you can hide it from someone, it didn’t really happen.

You know you don’t want your kids to learn lessons of deception. And you don’t want to put them in a position of conspiring with one parent against the other. But it can happen.

Big Mistake #5: Spending Money on Your Kids and Not Letting Yourself Know.

According to a recent study done by Ohio State University for the U.S. Department of Labor, the average teenager gets $50 a week in disposable income from parents, above and beyond any money the teen gets as allowance. This is just the money that parents hand out in dribs and drabs without realizing it: five bucks here, three bucks there. And it can be a lot more than that, too. Kids from affluent families — those with incomes of $100,000 or more — frequently get as much as $175 a week in unaccounted—for “pocket change.”

That’s not a shabby salary for doing nothing. It comes out to a potential $9,000 a year.

The way to find out if you’re doing this — and very many American parents do it much more than they think they do — is by keeping a No–Magic–Money Log for a few weeks to find out just how much money you actually do give your kids.

In order to make the count accurate, you have to be sure that you actually control every transaction that involves money leaving parents’ hands and going into kids’ hands. Make sure your partner is keeping their own No–Magic–Money Log too. Also, make sure that your kids aren’t helping themselves. And especially watch out for this: If you customarily leave your purse or wallet on the kitchen table, and your kids see it as an unspoken invitation to grab a couple of bills when they want to buy something but don’t have the cash on hand, then make sure that custom gets changed.

It’s important to know how much money is actually passing through your hands and into your kids’ hands, but it’s also worthwhile to know the dynamics of these transactions. Do you ask your teen what they need the extra 10 bucks for, or do you just fork it over? If you do ask, are there sob stories that are more or less likely to work on you? This can happen. The sports–loving dad may be more likely to fork over the asked–for cash if it’s to buy sports equipment or to see a game.

A No–Magic–Money Log is a way of getting to know yourself better. When you write down the donation to your teen’s slush fund, note what it’s earmarked for. If it’s “Oh, just stuff,” write that down. At least you’ll know how much you’re willing to give up for “just stuff.”

But ultimately, “just stuff” is never a satisfactory accounting for how money is spent. Your goal in any No–Magic–Money Log is to reduce the amount of “just stuff” money to nothing and to account for everything.

When you go over a few weeks’ worth of your log, you may find other patterns. Are you most likely to give a little extra to your teen on payday or just before supper or on a Sunday morning?

You didn’t realize that? You can bet your teen knows it.

Keeping A No–Magic–Money Log

It’s easy. A No–Magic–Money Log is based on the simple theory that every penny of your money gets spent for something, and if you keep a record of everything you spend, you’ll know exactly where all of it went.

So get yourself a little spiral memo pad, a stack of index cards, or a Palm organizer, and every day write down everything you spend, no matter how inconsequential. This includes money that you give to your kids. Write down the date, what you bought, and what you spent. No “other” or “miscellaneous” category.

Within a short time, you’ll have a record that will tell you exactly where all your money goes. This has usefulness far beyond finding out how much you’re actually giving your kids. It is step one in any money–management plan.

Neale S. Godfrey is a former bank president and an acknowledged expert on family finance. Her 14 books include a #1 New York Times Best Seller, Money Doesn’t Grow On Trees and her latest book, Money Still Doesn’t Grow On Trees: A Parent’s Guide To Raising Financially Responsible Teens and Young Adults. She has authored an educational program called The One and Only Common Sense/Cents Series which corporations are donating into their local community schools and after–school programs. Neale has appeared on TV on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Good Morning America, The Today Show, CNBC, NBC, CNNfn. She frequently delivers lectures on “How to Raise Financially Responsible Children.” For more corporate marketing programs, products, and books go to Neale’s Web site www.childrensfinancialnetwork.com or call 908–879–8898.

Someone once said that no one can really motivate anyone else; all we can do is motivate ourselves and hope it catches on. You will probably never know how much you influence others with your behavior. When you always go the extra mile, you will influence those in your circle of friends and acquaintances, your family, your co-workers, and even your bosses to do more and better than they have done before. Your value to yourself and others is greatly enhanced by your ability to influence others to be happier, more productive people. There are no salary caps or career limits for those who lead others to great heights of success. Such people are simply too valuable.

It is a fact of life that most of us try and fail many times before we ultimately achieve the level of success that we desire. You can expect to travel the extra mile many times only to find fool’s gold at the end of your rainbow. But you will most certainly miss out on the great riches that await you if you quit trying. A superficial commitment to doing more than expected based only on what you expect to receive will not sustain you in the long term. Great achievement results from a commitment to do the right thing regardless of the consequences, and that commitment will ultimately lead you to the pot of gold at the end of your rainbow.

Christ’s admonition to the faithful in Matthew 5:41: “And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain,” was in response to the Roman custom of allowing officers to force others to carry their load for a mile. The purpose of the biblical principle, similar to the idea of turning the other cheek, was to make good come from evil. You can add goodness to goodness by rendering beyond what you are asked to do. When you truly believe that the habit of going the extra mile is the only acceptable way to conduct yourself in all your dealings with others, when you are driven by a burning desire to serve your fellow man, you will be rewarded both financially and personally.

In today’s “everything is negotiable” society, we are bombarded with messages telling us that we get what we demand, not what we deserve. You may temporarily achieve success by demanding more than your due from others, but it will not long endure. “Squeaky wheels” may initially receive the most attention, but the wise wagon master eventually replaces them. It’s easy to create problems and dissension but very difficult to lead others in a spirit of cooperation and harmony. Which type of individual do you think is most valuable to the organization? The greatest rewards in life-both financial and personal-will always accrue to the peacemakers of the world.